No Internet Press Release

 

No Internet connection causes chaos for successful Grand Rapids magazine

Richelle Kimble

GRAND RAPIDS, MI. June 16, 2016 – The Women’s LifeStyle magazine (WLM) office, at 800 Monroe Ave. Suite 206, was in peril this morning after arriving to the office for a day of Internet use only to discover that there was no Internet connection. The tragedy was likely caused by a thunderstorm that swept through Grand Rapids late Wednesday night on June 15, 2016. The after-effects left little cause for concern and it’s likely many went to work not expecting that their day was about to become a productivity nightmare.

“I thought (long pause), I don’t know what I thought,” said Two Eagles Marcus, assistant publisher and legendary photographer at WLM, when he commented on his initial reaction to the circumstances. Richelle Kimble, editor of WLM and recent triathlon champion, entered the office soon after to learn the status of WLM’s WiFi.

Two Eagles Marcus
Two Eagles Marcus

“I thought ‘I gotta call Bri,’” said Kimble, quickly attempting to prevent the spread of this inconvenience. “She can’t do anything [without Internet].”

“At first I didn’t mind,” said Bri Kilroy, a WLM writer and author of this press release, on her arrival to the office and hearing the news. “I just had notes I needed to transform into an article and type up questions for an interview tomorrow.” It appeared the staff could manage while they waited for the Internet connection to return, busying themselves with ancient practices that didn’t require WiFi like InDesign, Microsoft Word and tasting salsa that was, allegedly, 5 years old.

The productivity paralysis kicked in as Kilroy was working on an article for one of July’s spotlight events. “I needed another word for ‘fashion’,” reflects Kilroy. “So, I tried to go to Thesaurus.com then I remembered the Internet was out, so I had to use an insipid word like ‘clothes’.”

Kilroy wasn’t the only one who overlooked the circumstances in a moment of enthusiasm. Marcus and Kimble had brainstormed a solution to use Bit Files, some dropbox thing that lets users share files sans Internet. Marcus ordered Kimble to check it out at BitFiles.com. Kimble had already sauntered to her computer to enter

Bri Kilroy
Bri Kilroy

the web address when the reality of the day hit her once again.

“There’s no Internet!” she shouted.

Other staff were unavailable for comment.

Hours into what would have been an average workday, the staff is in fair condition. The deafening silence that comes with not being able to connect to Pandora is unbearable, but the three are managing. To contribute to their survival efforts, visit them at 800 Monroe Ave. Suite 206 with coffee and treats or call them at (616) 458-2121, but—for the love of God—don’t send an email.

Contact: Women’s LifeStyle Magazine

Phone: 616-458-2121

Email: info@womenslifestyle.com


BriKilroy

Bri Kilroy is a Grand Valley and AmeriCorps alumna who learned to type through vigorous Mavis Beacon trainings. She also passes as an artist, illustrator and author of this bio.

Receive Our Monthly Newsletter!

Essential. Entertaining. Enlightening.

We will never give away, trade or sell your email address. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Comments

comments

Leave a Reply

X