Love is worth it, but it doesn’t come easily. I, like so many others, have been hurt, burned, scarred and more. I have recently come to the realization that had I not endured and learned from past experiences and relationships, I would not be who I am today. I would not be who I needed to be or deserved to be. I would not have been ready for or willing to open myself up to finally meeting my boyfriend, Eric Essick.
Alfred Camus once said “Live to the point of tears.” I am endlessly inspired by this sentiment and have tried to abide by it every day. However, lately I recognized something wasn’t quite right. After nearly 29 years on this planet, I refuse to live simply to the point of tears, choosing instead to live through them.
Tears, pain, and heartbreak are an inevitable and essential part of life and love. Everyone gets hurt. You will get burned and cheated. Yes, it is painful and, yes, it sucks. However, if you refuse to move on, prevent yourself from being open to future experiences and people, let yourself be eternally jaded and resign yourself to being defined by that painful experience, you’ll miss out on so much more. You can’t let the pain of the past stop you from letting yourself be open to something great. You miss out on too much if you do. And, you may even risk losing even more.
The ever profoundly irreverent cartoon South Park even offered insight that hits this idea home brilliantly. A recently-heartbroken character named Butters describes this notion best, “I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin’ really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I’m feelin’ is like a, beautiful sadness.”
On my personal journey through life and love, I’ve done my best to take the good with the bad and make the most of unfortunate situations. Specifically, what I am most proud of is the way I have taken something positive away from the ending of past relationships. Sure, I’ve needed time to work through the pain in my own creative ways (i.e. tossing certain artifacts of relationships-past into icy bodies of water, burning photographs, and many other girl sterotypes). Everyone needs their own catharsis. But I have found that these past relationships provided valuable assets in shaping me into who I am today. They have even contributed to making me the best version of myself as well as aided me in developing interests that I now share in common with my boyfriend.
For example, one past relationship equipped me with a rather extensive knowledge of superhero lore and comic books. Now, I treasure afternoons spent in the comic book store with my boyfriend. And, admittedly, I have been able to let my nerd flag fly as I soon discovered I know quite a bit more than Eric does about superheroes and comic books. There are multiple other examples that have given me pause to understand that everything truly does happen for a reason.
Perhaps the greatest example of all of learning from the past and living through the tears is how an ex-boyfriend compelled me to learn to trust myself, know that I deserve better and am amazing just the way I am. This was no small feat. Self-confidence and self-esteem were foreign concepts to me for a while. It took me several nights of tears and the support of my remarkable friends and family to recognize I deserve better and will find better. The greatest thing most of us are guilty of is being afraid to let ourselves be happy and feel worthy of love, and I was one of the offenders.
I return to an earlier point that everything happens for a reason. Timing has also proven critical. Had I not taken back control of my life when I did, I would have missed out on meeting Eric. He moved back to Grand Rapids for a few short months during the summer of 2011 before moving to Illinois for work in August. If I resigned myself to shutting down emotionally and being afraid to risk getting hurt again, I would never have met him. Gratefully, I put myself out there and took a chance. I am so ecstatically happy I did.
Let me transition the tone of this article and focus on my present state of happiness and my relationship with Eric. I have been friends with Eric’s sister, Cara Ontiveros, for years before I met him. From the start she has repeatedly said how much she thought I’d get along great with her brother. She was right. Eric and I hit it off from the start.
Our first date was delightfully unconventional. We met at a tattoo parlor and each got some ink. I got a keyhole on the back of my neck and he got an abstract version of “La Grande Vitesse” (aka The Calder) on his wrist. From there, we ventured into East Grand Rapids for dinner and whiskey. Our successive dates were equally as awesome, from bowling to me destroying him in go-karting (resulting in Eric having to hand over his prize t-shirt and hoodie). We had nothing but fun together. It was and continues to be effortless to be around him. The best part is that I can be myself; tattoos, piercings and all.
We have been together for nearly seven months now and the butterflies have yet to go away. He is more than anything I could have ever dreamed. Not only is he tall, dark and handsome, but he is extraordinarily intelligent, musically inclined, artistic, funny, chivalrous (unless on the go-kart track), thoughtful, kind, attentive, adventurous, and so so so much more. He makes me feel important, witty, smart, beautiful and worthwhile. I am so grateful that he is a part of my life.
I love spending time with him. I love talking to him. I love his family. I love the way he makes me feel. I love being in his arms. Simply put, I love him. It was one of the most frightening moments in my life when I finally found the nerve to tell him. I was putting myself out there, letting myself be vulnerable, risking rejection, risking being hurt again. Eric continues to be worth it. At the present, my greatest fear is not rejection, but rather not being able to fully express just what Eric means to me.
I am grateful I have found the strength to live through the tears, to take the good with the bad and to not be afraid to let myself be happy. I will leave you with the profound wisdom of author, Erica Jong, “Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”
LeAnn Secord is a fundraiser, free lance writer, and juggling enthusiast who resides in the Grand Rapids area.
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